Sunday, July 12, 2009

Paul Blart: Mall Cop Movie Review

Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Father: *** Son: * 1/2

William The Younger:

Booorrinnggg!! *sigh*

Kevin James plays the title character in this movie, so that should be warning enough! Man, does this movie give me a migraine!!! Ooooh...OOHH....Ahhh...and it makes me feel sick, I'm serious. I dodge under a table and take a little while off to vomit in a very large cup. It overflows onto my copy of this movie. Lucky me.

Oh, OK, I'm fine now. Our family saw this in the theater, thanks to Roger Ebert. Curse you and your phony review!! This is the last time you fool me!!! Wait, this came out before Knowing didn't it? Grrrr...Well, this is the NEXT to last time you fool me!!!

I guess I shouldn't be that harsh. For heaven's sake, the poor man had his jaw removed because it was cancerous!

Anyway, on to the plot: Well, Paul Blart is, you guessed it, a mall cop who lives with his mom and is trying desperately to become a part of the New Jersey State Police. But, he obviously fails. So he drives his Segway to work and meets a girl...oh whatever!!

Screw this, I'll just tell you what happens. Some people take over the mall while he's rocking out in the video game corner, and they take hostages. One of them is the girl he met. He must rescue her.


Ohhh! What? I fell asleep while typing, sorry.

This movie is just so flat-out boring, that it makes watching wet paint dry seem like a blast! *Stare* Anyway, the music is annoying most of the time, the acting is hideous, the jokes are focused around fat people a lot of the time, the story is crap, but strangely enough, since I am anti-cop (not mall cop) and anti-government, I liked how... well, I can't tell you.

Hmph. I hate not being able to spoil stuff for people. Anyway, I guess it would be OK as a Redbox rental, if you have a Redbox around. Or you could use it as target practice for your 50 caliber sniper rifle, or hypnotize yourself by flushing it down the toilet. But you want to know something? Some of this movie was actually pretty funny!

But Paul Blart: Mall Cop suffers from too many "surprises", way too many hypoglycemia jokes, an overdose of fat jokes (I'm not encouraging movies to have any fat jokes at all), and sometimes it will take itself WAAAAAAAYYYYY to seriously.

Overall, this movie sucks. I recommend that if you buy it, which you hopefully won't, buy it in the value pack named "PAUBLANG!!!!!" which includes TNT and Duct Tap.

(WARNING: DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT buy this movie unless you can afford the value pack or if you get sick a lot, like I do). If you want to see a much more positive review, go and read my dad's review.

(Father & Son Reviews uses the four-star rating system, not the five-star or anything like that.)

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